Actually the UN is doing a research report into the contents of your handbag.

Darling I hate to tell you this, but you know the way you shout when there's a football match on TV, well, they can't hear you.

Do you want to be buried, cremated or used as bait?

Good luck (with puberty).

Have you considered patenting those nostril hairs?

Have you paid your fart tax?

I always love seeing you. It's such a multimedia thing - what with the whole smelly armpits and halitosis thing going on as well.

I even find your footprints irritating.

I feel so sorry for your ears having to permanently listen to all the crap you speak.

I find the way you make tea offensive.

I googled you and found that you do not exist. Please explain.

I have endured your farts for years now. I would like some form of financial compensation.